smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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