Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
