My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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