"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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