even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
