he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
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