My nipple is on Facebook.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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