i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
honey bunches of taint.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
