he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
