Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
