Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
