Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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