When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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