just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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