Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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