Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
