I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
