Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
