God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
