Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize
