he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
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