I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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