I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
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