I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
