New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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