my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
