So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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