you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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