I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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