So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
