I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Randomize
