i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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