He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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