and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
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