i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
