how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
