How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Randomize
