HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
