So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
