Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Randomize
