I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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