The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
