I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
