I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
My dick has a subreddit
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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