WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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