I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
