No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
This show inspires me to have sex in space
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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