Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
