Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Randomize
