Duck Duck Cougar?
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Let's get the cat blown out
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Randomize
