o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
